Today I watched Conan, the new 2011 version. Let it be said early on I am a huge fan of sword and sorcery comics, films, and books and I am also a huge fan of Conan specifically. I grew up on inherited 70s Conan comics. The one good ones, by Buscema and reprints of the early ones by Barry Windsor Smith. They were very influential on me, and in my decision to be an artist. I read Howard’s original stories, and am very well-read on his influential friend, H.P. Lovecraft. I know the particular niche that Conan occupies, and have longed for and hoped for a film which could do that savage, lawless, sword and sorcery justice. For the first 20 minutes or so, I thought I’d found it. Seeing Conan’s bloody birth on the battlefield and his subsequent coming-of-age; carrying those severed heads of his slain enemies into the camp when he was but a boy, were pretty impressive, I must say. The broad, wide, sweeping sense created by the CG rendered ruins and ancient cities were also very impressive, and lent themselves very much to be vain of sword and sorcery that Conan uses, the conjunction of the familiar and unfamiliar, trying to show a kind of architectural past to ancient architectural styles. However, all of this was ultimately done in by the flatness of the characters and the commonplace treatment of the supernatural elements. Lord of the Rings, for instance, does a much better job of making the One Ring frightening. It was a simple object, it did very little, but it was always treated with fear and terror, and became a frightening thing in enough itself. Unfortunately Conan has the reverse, the cursed necromancer’s mask, made of the bones of ancient sorcerers, is made to look frightening but it does very little to be considered scary, just writhing a bit. In fact most of the magic that used is used rather utilitarianly, the evil witch, fairly well done by Miss Rose McGowan, uses magic to summon enemies for Conan to fight but, there is nothing in the way of incantation or terror at the breaking of the laws of reality. Conan might be sword and sorcery, but in the same way Lord of the Rings is written to be in ancient account of the far, far distant ancient past of our world, Conan is supposed be far far ancient distant past of our world. They say it out right and that little introduction “Between the time when the Oceans drank Atlantis…” Because there was no introspection to the characters, or an effort made to establish a mood within most of the movie it’s seem to be one long CG accentuated fight scene, interrupted by brief moments of plot. Don’t get me wrong, I’d like seeing swordfights on the screen but after the fifth or sixth one, or at the end when he’s fighting the big bad guy while balancing on the big wheel over a pit which goes all way down to what looks like a river of lava, it gets a little far-fetched and ridiculous. I wanted to see Howard’s Conan. I wanted to see unmentionable, terrifying creatures that cause men’s sanity to melt at the sight of them, you know, the ones that he took from Lovecraft. That’s what I like Howard he fused my favorite genre, fantasy, with my other favorite genre, horror. This movie is not heard this movie is a very well-funded, extended episode of Xena the warrior princess with different actors, sex, and blood. Sorry to come down so hard on it, but I was really hoping for something better than I got, so maybe my disappointment is my own fault for getting my hopes up. The movie isn’t terrible, but it’s not great, I would venture to say it’s barely even good.
Luby’s Review: 5.5 out of 10
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